That kind of love.

Archive for June, 2011

Subtle homophobia

Thank god for the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s. Where would we be today without those brave rebels? I’m glad it doesn’t entirely devolve upon my generation to advance the lgbt cause and fight homophobia. The bitter acidity with which people in the lgbt community were forced to embue themselves with was unfortunate.

It’s easy to believe that certain mannerisms are more just and rational depending on your own sex. I think that’s not true. Taste and sensibility are just as inflected by the way your personality blooms as by the way your body is constructed. I just don’t think there’s a tremendous connection between gender and personality. The more I meet people who are aware of themselves, the more that seems to be the case.

I’ve been very lucky to be liberated from the gender roles that American society would have be fit into. It’s not that I don’t like my gender, not at all, I love being myself. I just want the freedom, the internal freedom especially to like what I like, and acknowledge what I do and do not want.

This is a key anti-homophobia argument that makes a lot of sense to me. If I force myself to go by some set of rules about what I should and should not like, and what I should and should not want, then how can I use my desires as a compass? I think it makes a ton of logical sense that our desires evolved to guide us to the things that make us healthy, mentally and physically. It doesn’t always work, but compasses aren’t always precise either.


Sex and Spirituality

Message for you, sir!There’s clearly been a historical connection between sexuality and spirituality. There’s the sexual rites in Moses’s temple, the tantra that binds chakra and sex together, the sanctifying of sexuality by rite in Christianity, the repression of sexuality due to spiritual concerns in Islam.

I was talking to my wife about this the other day and she looked at me like was bat-shit crazy. It’s really simple, not like a mystical thing. Basically, I wanted to know if she had ever had any spiritual feelings during sex with me or her partner. Because I clearly have had precisely those feelings/experiences.

When I was younger, the church got a foothold in my mind, and I went to a lot of christian events and such. It’s fairly easy to organize a context in which a spiritual feeling/experience would happen. And the feeling was often very close to a lot of the same feelings that happen during sex. I suppose that the chemicals that are released in the human mind during spiritual ecstasy are very similar to the ones that are released during sexual ecstasy. Which begs some interesting questions.

I’ve never really approached sexuality from a spiritual perspective, because that would take a lot of time. I wonder if it would be functionally useful to do so. I suppose it would be necessary to define what I mean when I’m talking about spirituality here. But I’m not gonna. You can just read into it whatever you want.

What I’m suggesting to myself is largely this: what if I found a way to mentally prepare myself for sexuality before through mental preparation, and some physical ritual? I understand that physical and mental attitude affect how brain processes chemicals. It stands to reason that I might be able to firstly, appreciate the sexual experience more through specific  preparation, and secondly, I might be able to intensify the experience.

Is the chance for greater intensity worth coming up with some practices? What are the ramifications of affection my sexuality in a spiritual way? There’s always crazy and profound effects when you start paying attention to your sexuality in a new way.

85% rule

Meanwhile in Russia

Saying what you’re afraid to say works out really well. Put it out there. Say what you’re not clear about. The people who love you will support those feelings about 85% of the time exactly the way you’d hope they would. The other percentages of the time will hurt 85% less than you think it will. And isn’t 85% less pain worth 100% better communication.

Also, sometimes this ends up in divorce.

Then again, evolution doomed your monogamy to begin with.


In my experience, relationships with couples are pretty spectacular, though there’s a lot of pitfalls, as you would imagine. Yet they seem to work out really well even so. Especially in bed, as you would imagine.

What seems to be the problem is that the person who is the least into poly wants to keep the relationship only on a quad level becasue it’s emotionally safer, less room for romance that way. Romance seems to scare people a lot, as if they can’t trust romance, as if romance was a madness that was going to sweep them away.

In terms of polyamory, romance can be tamed quite a bit. Since there’s no taboo on loving others, you can have your current relationship and the new one. You don’t have to elope. You just have to convince your mother not to kick you out of the family before taking a practical look at what you’re doing.

But in quads, romance is safer with the larger group because there’s less chance that one couple is going to develop something dangerous. So even if love develops between two members of the quad, it feels safer to explore the love with all four folks together. That affects the way the love will develop.

If my work had a keylogger on my computer

I supposed I’d be fired already. But no, this isn’t a post about how misogynistic, racist, backwards, and stuck in the 1950’s my current employer is. It’s about this video:

Which is reasonably true.

As  bisexual man, I seem to get targeted a lot for all kinds of discrimination. It makes it really hard to explain because I got married first, before I came out. I suppose that happens for a lot of people. When I’m at a gay bar, men don’t talk to me because of the wedding band. Yeah, cause that’s a terrible sign. When I’m anywhere else, they think I should be at a gay bar.

Sigh. Well, this is me folks. When I was trying to be more like you, everyone treated me with the suspicion that I was actually more like the person I am now that I’ve more or less stopped hiding. And this way, I at least get to be sorta kinda honest with myself right? Go watch the vid. It’s funny.

This is a beautiful picture.

Raising yo chillins

it’s one of those things.
you know like when you have a major life event, like buying a house?
or maybe it’s like taking a mars mission.
you know what it’s going to be like intellectually, and you figure, you should prepare yourself for the mental stresses.
but you can’t.
you don’t really know.
i believe it
so you just sorta hack it.
and live in harmony as best you can.
and try not to forget that you’re a human being too in the midst of the madness.
you should write that down.

you could put it on greeting cards or print it up poster size

and people would buy the shit out of it.



so it’s really hard to be polyamorous and a parent. It really is. You could just take the word polyamorous out of that sentence. It’s easy to sacrifice your own wants and needs on the all consuming alter of parenthood because you are ultimately responsible for your children’s well being. It’s easy to think that the only good parent is the one who is completely dedicated.

But the parent without his or her own soul is the parent who hurt their children, and becomes bitter.

Not only that, but the time and everything tend to work out pretty well. It’s also a wonderful thing when you know you can rely on more than just one other adult to help you with your kids.