That kind of love.

Archive for the ‘Open Friends’ Category

I officiated at a gay wedding

The legal stuff took place in Washington DC, but we don’t live there, me and my two very good gay friends. They’ve been together for a long time, and they definitely wanted to have a ceremony that could include a lot of people. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a civil union, but the room will be located in a court, and it will be small, shabby, cramped, and will probably have a fake garland of flowers hanging from an aluminum arch somewhere.

For some reason, the couple in question got it in their heads that I was good with language, and wouldn’t mind writing up a ceremony for them. They said there only request was that they wouldn’t have read vows themselves. I asked them if they wanted me to get ordained for the ceremony, but they said that they would rather me represent their group of friends, than any other power, and I agreed to leave the gods outside.

So I wanted to post the ceremony that I wrote for them. It’s definitely not all mine, I’ve cobbled things together from a few sources, but let me say that it’s not plagiarized either. Most of this stuff is so adapted that you could say with some confidence that it is essentially anonymous. Nothing would please me more than other alternative, LGBTQ marriages had officials use this setup. Please feel free to steal this. You could consider the writer of what follows as “Anonymous” if you like.

 

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<Name1> and <Name2>’s Wedding

Seating Period

Entrance of the groomsmen

Entrance of the Best Men

Entrance of the Grooms


<Name1> and <Name2>, we are gathered here together to witness and affirm the love and respect that you have for each other. <Name1> and <Name2>, are you entering into this marriage freely, voluntarily and without any conditions?

In our lives, happiness is built, not found. Happiness is a product of the relationships we make.
A good marriage must be created. In making our happiness, little things are the big things. It is at no time taking the other for granted; It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is valuing the other’s feelings enough to hear them, honesty enough to communicate, and courage enough to act feel together. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in, and magnifies the relationships of both people.

It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.

One of the purposes of marriage is to make a promise on your honor to stay together. It is a promise to uphold a relationship that last longer than the whims and changing desires of either partner. Upon entering this marriage, you will be committing to the idea that the rings you will wear are a symbol of your promise to walk through hard times with each other, to even carry one another in times of distress, even when it hurts. You commit to hold one another through the winter, as well as the spring.

It must be asked why anyone would make such a commitment to another person? Marriage bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry.  Marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Marriage is an esteemed institution because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity. The decision to participate in this institution, combined with the decision who to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.

<Name1> and <Name2>, please face each other and answer me with an “I do”

<Name1>, are you ready to take <Name2> as your husband, to live together with him in a growing relationship? Will you vow with him to be partners who will meet every situation of life together; the peaceful and the chaotic, the routine and the exciting, the sorrowful and the joyful, the threatening and the inviting? Will you love him, affirm him, and commit yourself to him in marriage as long as you both shall live?

<Name2>, are you ready to take <Name2> as your husband, to live together with him in a growing relationship? Will you vow with him to be partners who will meet every situation of life together; the peaceful and the chaotic, the routine and the exciting, the sorrowful and the joyful, the threatening and the inviting? Will you love him, affirm him, and commit yourself to him in marriage as long as you both shall live?

Lighting the Unity Candle
The lighting of the unity candle symbolizes the joining together of two families. It represents the union of individuals into one united family, and also of the commitment of the larger group of friends and family to help keep the flame of their love burning.

May I Please Have the Rings

What you have to give to each other  is:he promise to take each other as your only love from this day forward, to stand by one another’s side, to listen to one another to give comfort when when there are tears,  and to join your laughter together. Take these rings, and be part of each other’s lives forever.If you wish to seal this marriage with a kiss, you may now do so.

Presentation of the married couple to their friends and family

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Whatever it could have been

Been writing poly poetry lately.

Love (or whatever it could have been)
ain’t never gonna come
easy like a trigger pull,
or beachcombing in the morning,
gritty sand beneath your feet
you can still see the crushed shells in.

And it scares her away
(or whatever it could have been)
like a shelling of England
the way that we feel
you know the escape.

The sky is totally black
because the lights on the ground are so bright,
Like a skein over stars
She doesn’t know her way through the footlights.

I don’t give a firey burning fuck
not the names and the faces,
the cast and the crew,
the stageplay you’ve got
keeping me away from you.

I wanna know what the caves on your seashore
look like at night.
With a torch and a camera
and a piece of crumpled paper
I’ll draw you a map
of all of your secret places
if you don’t flood me out.

But you don’t give me a cup
of water to drown in
(or whatever it could have been).

Polyamory and Meaningful Platonic Relationships – by Littlemoon

  • This is a piece by Littlemoon, who will be an occasional guest contributor.

I’m not a practicing polyamorist, nor necessarily a monogamist at heart.

I’ve been familiar with polyamory for years, as an outsider looking in. My observances of poly in my early twenties left me with warnings of dramatic processing of emotions, promiscuity, and tons of hurt feelings. I decided on monogamy, though at that point, there really was no decision to be made… Monogamy was the acceptable way to create a family. And I wanted one.

I remember being awestruck in hearing of a triad, who were expecting a baby, and no one knew which male was the father. And they were perfectly blissful about it. This blew my small-town-fundmentalist-christian-raised mind out of the water. Nope, not for me.  Plus, in reality, it seemed like a lot of work to juggle more than one love.

Fifteen years later, a failing marriage, evolving into a mother and a woman, I found myself reconsidering polyamory. I read a few book, made a few poly friends and set about figuring out which side of the fence I wanted be on.

I’m still on that fence. What I do know is that poly has opened my eyes wide to the possibilities of meaningful relationships that I never allowed myself to enjoy before. I’ve always been the girl who wouldn’t dare get too close to another man, or even a bisexual female, for fear of ‘appearing’ to have ill intentions. Recently, though, poly has allowed me to break down the religious and societal barriers I possessed, to open myself to mature, loving, deeply emotional and wonderfully fulfilling relationships. All without climbing into bed with anyone.

Poly folk tend to be just fine with non-sexual connections. They seem to accept and respect whatever my deal is, whatever boundaries I need to have in place, whatever makes me feel comfortable. Poly is not just about sex. Poly, to me, is about the freedom to connect with anyone on whatever level feels right.  It’s about not having to define or label what someone is to me.  It’s about being open to sharing parts of myself with people who genuinely want to know and accept me.  It’s about honesty, which leads to a higher level of respect and compassion for each person I come in contact with.  Polyamory, for me, is the freedom to create something meaningful, whatever that may be.

One day, I may jump off this fence, and see what other parts poly has to offer.  But for now, I’m just going to sit back and relax and enjoy my new perspective on relationships and be open to whatever feels right.

New Category: Open Friends

Linza Feldman

Artwork by Linza Feldmen. Click to see more. SFW.

One of the immediately apparent results from the mutual decision to open our marriage was that we got to have friends.

Your friends become important when you accept the concept that your primary partner doesn’t have to fulfill every need you have. There are relationships that will fulfill some of the aspects of your personality better than your primary partner does. And that is so amazing.

This is an event of real beauty in my life. Before poly, I personally put little value on my friendships because the primary relationship was of the highest priority. Now the friendships that I cherish are of the same priority, or at least they aren’t inferior, to the primary relationship. They have so much more value because everyone is acknowledging that those friendships fulfill necessary roles, not only in my life, but in my partner’s life as well.

When we were monogamous, the only friendships that survived were the ones that were the strongest, and even those that survived were weak examples of their former importance. When I made these friendships, I had not assumed that I would accept their total replacement with a primary relationship, and yet when I accepted a closed relationship, I didn’t even think twice about letting those friendships starve.

I could not have guessed how vital the non-sexual relationships could be. My life is enormously enriched by the change in status. I need my friends to be happy.

Most of the time old friendships aren’t the best ones to attempt to open up. There’s tremendous difficulty in decided who to come out to about polyamory, or bisexuality, or both. But the temptation is enormous to contact people with whom you previously had a strong connection. Because it’s not like you’ve changed, rather it’s a lot more like you’ve become more of yourself. They accepted you for who you were then, so it makes some kinda sense that the two of you might have connection now.

I’d say I’m about fifty percent acceptance rate with former friends who knew me before I opened my marriage. But after ten years of monogamy, its like I went totally radio silent for a decade, and then now, I’m coming back from Siberia with all this new energy, and a new vision, and some people can’t accept even that alone. What are the chances that my old friends will have ever even heard the word polyamory?  Well, for a lot of people, the basis of polyamory doesn’t come from a book, or a blog, or even a notion, but rather what they are evolved to want, and where their feelings have lead them.

So I make a lot of friends from people who were potential lovers. We engage from the get-go knowing the other persons tastes and identities, by and large, and work from there. So the new category: Open Friends are about those folks who know that you are poly, and embrace that whether they share the same semantics or not. I’ll be talking about subjects in that category often in the future.