That kind of love.

Archive for the ‘Sex positive’ Category

NRE is hard to deal with

New Relationship Energy (NRE) is hard to deal with on all sides of the equation. In my case, it seems really obvious to me that I’ve clearly got the worst end of the deal. I have to watch my primary partner and her lover go through the glowy stages, the excellent chemisty and the fantastic sex. What do I get out of this?

But it’s not just hard for me, it’s hard for him and her too. NRE is an admission of vulnerability. Neither of them can read the future. And it makes both of them willing to do things they would otherwise never do, and no one likes being irrational, especially in polyamorous relationships where love comes at the price of being a social outsider. Let me clarify that last point. Since you have to choose between being something of an outcast, in a real tangible way, or being essentially monogamous, poly folks tend to put a lot of emphasis on their analytical reasoning skills. A lot of poly folks cleave to the idea that they are poly not just because of what’s throbbing in their pants, but because of what’s throbbing in their skulls. Therefore, the irrationality that can come with intense NRE can be irritating.

For him, in this situation, it’s hard to deal with the NRE because he’s not in the best place in his life right now, emotionally and in other ways too. It’s hard for him to want to commit to anything, but the NRE seems to be over-riding what he might otherwise consider good sense. He finds himself feeling things that are complicated, and wanting things that don’t fit into his game plan for his life. He doesn’t want to make any decisions based off biochemical reactions that could affect his long term goals adversely, and it’s a hell of a lot more nuanced than that. The NRE could cause serious pain, and he can’t really handle that.

For her, it’s the first time for her to experience intense NRE outside her primary relationship, and it’s scary for a lot of reasons, including the concept that she doesn’t really view herself as a particularly emotionally available person. Not only that, but there’s a lot of obvious things coming up for her in the near future, and she’s not really ready to commit to a serious relationship that the NRE seems to be indicating. It’s all very confusing, and the two folks are very vulnerable. All armor down. It’s scary as hell.

From the outside it just looks like exhilaration and crazy awesome sex. You know, the kind that leaves you breathless at work, just thinking about it. The kind of sex that changes your perspective. Really robust, healthy sex.

I don’t really have anything great to say about it, I just wanted to note to myself that it’s not just hard for me.


Sexual openness reduces heirarchies everywhere

It’s really important that you know the paternity of your children because we live in a society where all things past to the first born sons, and all titles, properties and holding accumulated through tithing your people and reaping the crops of your fields must travel down through blood lines.

We aren’t that far from feudalism in a lot of ways.

Sexual openness makes it harder for men to control women, practically and generally too. If women are open, and allowed to have sex with whom they will, then men can’t protect their eggs from stimulation from the wrong sperm. There’s doubt. Doubt about bloodlines.

But in this day and age, does that really truly matter? It’s a provocative thought, I’ll grant you, but what’s the actual function of bloodlines if you’re committed to raising your partners kids with her. Think how many examples there are of folks raising their children without the children being genetically similar to one of the parents. Does it make any inherent difference in that child’s care and raising? I’ll wager that it does not.

There’s so much good that sex positivity and openness can bring to a family, and to people individually, and so very little to lose, and yet it’s one of the most important mores that people hold on to. That will change. But it will also always be very similar percentages as it is today.

Sex and Spirituality

Message for you, sir!There’s clearly been a historical connection between sexuality and spirituality. There’s the sexual rites in Moses’s temple, the tantra that binds chakra and sex together, the sanctifying of sexuality by rite in Christianity, the repression of sexuality due to spiritual concerns in Islam.

I was talking to my wife about this the other day and she looked at me like was bat-shit crazy. It’s really simple, not like a mystical thing. Basically, I wanted to know if she had ever had any spiritual feelings during sex with me or her partner. Because I clearly have had precisely those feelings/experiences.

When I was younger, the church got a foothold in my mind, and I went to a lot of christian events and such. It’s fairly easy to organize a context in which a spiritual feeling/experience would happen. And the feeling was often very close to a lot of the same feelings that happen during sex. I suppose that the chemicals that are released in the human mind during spiritual ecstasy are very similar to the ones that are released during sexual ecstasy. Which begs some interesting questions.

I’ve never really approached sexuality from a spiritual perspective, because that would take a lot of time. I wonder if it would be functionally useful to do so. I suppose it would be necessary to define what I mean when I’m talking about spirituality here. But I’m not gonna. You can just read into it whatever you want.

What I’m suggesting to myself is largely this: what if I found a way to mentally prepare myself for sexuality before through mental preparation, and some physical ritual? I understand that physical and mental attitude affect how brain processes chemicals. It stands to reason that I might be able to firstly, appreciate the sexual experience more through specific  preparation, and secondly, I might be able to intensify the experience.

Is the chance for greater intensity worth coming up with some practices? What are the ramifications of affection my sexuality in a spiritual way? There’s always crazy and profound effects when you start paying attention to your sexuality in a new way.

85% rule

Meanwhile in Russia

Saying what you’re afraid to say works out really well. Put it out there. Say what you’re not clear about. The people who love you will support those feelings about 85% of the time exactly the way you’d hope they would. The other percentages of the time will hurt 85% less than you think it will. And isn’t 85% less pain worth 100% better communication.

Also, sometimes this ends up in divorce.

Then again, evolution doomed your monogamy to begin with.


In my experience, relationships with couples are pretty spectacular, though there’s a lot of pitfalls, as you would imagine. Yet they seem to work out really well even so. Especially in bed, as you would imagine.

What seems to be the problem is that the person who is the least into poly wants to keep the relationship only on a quad level becasue it’s emotionally safer, less room for romance that way. Romance seems to scare people a lot, as if they can’t trust romance, as if romance was a madness that was going to sweep them away.

In terms of polyamory, romance can be tamed quite a bit. Since there’s no taboo on loving others, you can have your current relationship and the new one. You don’t have to elope. You just have to convince your mother not to kick you out of the family before taking a practical look at what you’re doing.

But in quads, romance is safer with the larger group because there’s less chance that one couple is going to develop something dangerous. So even if love develops between two members of the quad, it feels safer to explore the love with all four folks together. That affects the way the love will develop.

Staring Sex-Positivity right in the eye

So here’s the deal boys and girls, sex-positive theory is super simple: sex is a potentially positive force in our lives. That one concept causes a cascade of consequences. It changes assumptions. It frees people.

There’s a tremendous amount of sex-negativity. People generally find sex to be disruptive, difficult, potentially dangerous. A lot of people come to the conclusion that sex has to be controlled so that it won’t be so damaging. Christianity, and other religions tend to push the concept that morality and sexuality are essentially mutually exclusive.  That makes it even harder for people to see the positive power of sexuality in their lives.

Sex positivity is “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation.” In other words, once you start thinking that sex could actually be pretty awesome, then you start to think that maybe many different kinds of sex could possibly be awesome. It’s not real far from that point, that maybe sex is nice, and pleasure is good, to real paradigm shift towards people who identify themselves with certain groups sexually speaking. Basically, if you think that sex is positive, it’s real hard to be a fucking homophobe. You know why? Because those fags, they’re enjoying themselves. They’re doing something positive, see? Cause they’re having sex, right, and sex… well, it’s good.

See? Not that hard. Try it yourself tonight. What if sex doesn’t hurt you in the end? What would that mean in your life? What kind of changes would you have to make if you really believed that?

This is a pretty good wikipedia article about sex-positivity. The history part is pretty interesting.

Seems like a lot of people be arguin’ for that sex-positivity, y’all.

Yall should go there.


I hear this argument all the time. It makes logical sense. Pretty unassailable if you ask me.