That kind of love.

Posts tagged ‘sex positive’

Gay Marriage

One of the things I find illuminating about the way my gay friends live their lives is that they manage monogamy much more loosely than hetero-normative friends tend to. I don’t know if this is the often the case, so this is anecdotal, yet I get a lot from watching my LGBT friends deal with serious relationships.

Almost none of my LGBT friends could be described as monogamous. And yet, I just officiated at a wedding. If my group of friends hangs out, there will be fairly liberal flirting, some kissing amongst friends, and a even some mild sexual activity, mostly with clothes on, but there’s genital contact. Genital contact is my personal definition of sex. It seems like a good general way to talk about sex when making rules with partners. It’s certainly a sort of line in most people’s minds.

So the couple in question are probably the least monogamous amongst the group. They both don’t have external relationships, but they have sex with other people. They often have group sex. They are both young, attractive, and both of them are to some degree, bisexual, although they are both at very different spots on the spectrum of bisexuality. Anyone who spends any time with them quickly understands just how important they are in one another’s lives. They are both important pillars to each other. They build the social group they hang out with on the stability their relationships generate in their lives, and they are both very much aware of the fact. Hardly any of us in their social orbit would know one another without them. They spend a lot of time organizing events, throwing parties, and introducing folks to each other. The strength of their relationship affords a sense of community to all of us who know them. I can’t think of a better reason to cement a relationship with ceremony than those. I agreed to marry them, where I wouldn’t agree to marry most people, because I see the wonderful things their relationship brings to all who know them.

To some degree, it seems like how they have approached their relationship is a wise one. They’ve spent many years together before making the commitment. They heard very little social pressure, because they only listened to those that weren’t obviously homophobic. In the case of their families, that narrowed things down to a point where they could think about what they were doing without pressure. They knew, as most couples who get married do, that they loved each other. What their approach afforded them was disregard of negative voices, consideration of the social impact their marriage might have, and the ability to do it when it was emotionally and circumstantially best for them, and best for their other relationships too. That’s damn near unique. I envy them. My marriage did not occur under nearly the same circumstances. So many people get pressured into marriage.

I hadn’t really thought through the reasons that marrying them felt so right, and I’m glad I did. Let me know if this raises any questions in your mind. I’d love to hear from you, and what you think too.

Quads

In my experience, relationships with couples are pretty spectacular, though there’s a lot of pitfalls, as you would imagine. Yet they seem to work out really well even so. Especially in bed, as you would imagine.

What seems to be the problem is that the person who is the least into poly wants to keep the relationship only on a quad level becasue it’s emotionally safer, less room for romance that way. Romance seems to scare people a lot, as if they can’t trust romance, as if romance was a madness that was going to sweep them away.

In terms of polyamory, romance can be tamed quite a bit. Since there’s no taboo on loving others, you can have your current relationship and the new one. You don’t have to elope. You just have to convince your mother not to kick you out of the family before taking a practical look at what you’re doing.

But in quads, romance is safer with the larger group because there’s less chance that one couple is going to develop┬ásomething dangerous. So even if love develops between two members of the quad, it feels safer to explore the love with all four folks together. That affects the way the love will develop.

Staring Sex-Positivity right in the eye

So here’s the deal boys and girls, sex-positive theory is super simple: sex is a potentially positive force in our lives. That one concept causes a cascade of consequences. It changes assumptions. It frees people.

There’s a tremendous amount of sex-negativity. People generally find sex to be disruptive, difficult, potentially dangerous. A lot of people come to the conclusion that sex has to be controlled so that it won’t be so damaging. Christianity, and other religions tend to push the concept that morality and sexuality are essentially mutually exclusive. ┬áThat makes it even harder for people to see the positive power of sexuality in their lives.

Sex positivity is “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation.” In other words, once you start thinking that sex could actually be pretty awesome, then you start to think that maybe many different kinds of sex could possibly be awesome. It’s not real far from that point, that maybe sex is nice, and pleasure is good, to real paradigm shift towards people who identify themselves with certain groups sexually speaking. Basically, if you think that sex is positive, it’s real hard to be a fucking homophobe. You know why? Because those fags, they’re enjoying themselves. They’re doing something positive, see? Cause they’re having sex, right, and sex… well, it’s good.

See? Not that hard. Try it yourself tonight. What if sex doesn’t hurt you in the end? What would that mean in your life? What kind of changes would you have to make if you really believed that?

This is a pretty good wikipedia article about sex-positivity. The history part is pretty interesting.

Seems like a lot of people be arguin’ for that sex-positivity, y’all.

Yall should go there.

Awesome!

I hear this argument all the time. It makes logical sense. Pretty unassailable if you ask me.