Gay Marriage

One of the things I find illuminating about the way my gay friends live their lives is that they manage monogamy much more loosely than hetero-normative friends tend to. I don’t know if this is the often the case, so this is anecdotal, yet I get a lot from watching my LGBT friends deal with serious relationships.

Almost none of my LGBT friends could be described as monogamous. And yet, I just officiated at a wedding. If my group of friends hangs out, there will be fairly liberal flirting, some kissing amongst friends, and a even some mild sexual activity, mostly with clothes on, but there’s genital contact. Genital contact is my personal definition of sex. It seems like a good general way to talk about sex when making rules with partners. It’s certainly a sort of line in most people’s minds.

So the couple in question are probably the least monogamous amongst the group. They both don’t have external relationships, but they have sex with other people. They often have group sex. They are both young, attractive, and both of them are to some degree, bisexual, although they are both at very different spots on the spectrum of bisexuality. Anyone who spends any time with them quickly understands just how important they are in one another’s lives. They are both important pillars to each other. They build the social group they hang out with on the stability their relationships generate in their lives, and they are both very much aware of the fact. Hardly any of us in their social orbit would know one another without them. They spend a lot of time organizing events, throwing parties, and introducing folks to each other. The strength of their relationship affords a sense of community to all of us who know them. I can’t think of a better reason to cement a relationship with ceremony than those. I agreed to marry them, where I wouldn’t agree to marry most people, because I see the wonderful things their relationship brings to all who know them.

To some degree, it seems like how they have approached their relationship is a wise one. They’ve spent many years together before making the commitment. They heard very little social pressure, because they only listened to those that weren’t obviously homophobic. In the case of their families, that narrowed things down to a point where they could think about what they were doing without pressure. They knew, as most couples who get married do, that they loved each other. What their approach afforded them was disregard of negative voices, consideration of the social impact their marriage might have, and the ability to do it when it was emotionally and circumstantially best for them, and best for their other relationships too. That’s damn near unique. I envy them. My marriage did not occur under nearly the same circumstances. So many people get pressured into marriage.

I hadn’t really thought through the reasons that marrying them felt so right, and I’m glad I did. Let me know if this raises any questions in your mind. I’d love to hear from you, and what you think too.

Having more than one girlfriend in high school

It recently occured to me that I had two essentially poly relationships in High School. Both of them were situations where liberated females were dating other men and then brought me on board. I wasn’t precisely aware that they were dating other men, but they both hinted at the fact that they were.

Both of them were highly intelligent, well read, and had major ties to social circles I was entirely not privy to. I am not certain that has anything do to with it. One of them, who for all intents and purposes, we’ll call Seaborne, was from Sweden, and was an exchange student. I’m not sure what’s stereotype there and what’s not so I won’t try to speculate on the assumptions she maintained that allowed her to date multiple people, and also retain a sense of self worth, but she did it.

I would go more into the similarities between the two and the role the other partner played in my education, because it’s very interesting, but I have a point I need to stick to,

This picture doens't even have abstract relation to this story, but it's pretty aweosome nonetheless.

and that is this: If everyone else had behaved with the intelligence and maturity that the two of them displayed, the competitive dynamic in High School could have been completely different.

Bear with my while I give one more example to illustrate my point. I had my eye on dating a young woman who we’ll call Lilystem for several years. She became available, and myself and another young man asked to date her. She accepted his hand, but not mine, although she made it clear that it was merely a superior match on his part, rather than lack of connection between her and I. Had she been operating under similar assumption as Seaborne, she would have agreed to date us both, and none of us would have had to cope with feelings of competition, and catastrophic lack of worth. Plus she would have gotten to date me, and I’m a pretty hawt date.

Lorca love poems sent to me by a lover

“The Poet Speaks with His Beloved on the Telephone”

Your voice watered the dune of my breast
in the sweet wooden booth.
Toward the south of my feet it was spring
and to the north of my brow, flower of fern.

In the narrow space a pine tree of light
sang with no music of dawn, no seed bed,
and my cry caught for the first time
crowns of hope around the roof.

Sweet and distant voice poured out for me.
Sweet and distant voice I tasted.
Distant and sweet swooning voice.

Distant as a dark wounded doe.
Sweet as a sob in the falling snow.
Distant and sweet lodged within the marrow!

Federico del Sagrado Corazón de Jesús García Lorca was a poet at the turn of the century. My lover described him as death obsessed, and she was so good as to send me a few poems after a lovely conversation. I love the poem above. It hits exactly the tone I feel about her when she calls me.

Fresh new vulnerability

It is profoundly difficult to acknowledge that you’re the one with feelings. Especially if the other partner is someone who is good at armoring theirs. But I’m thinking that’s all right. Almost every relationship has asymmetrical elements. Even if it doesn’t work out, I’m still learning lessons.

Negotiation is the big buzzword. The foundation of any real relationship is ability to negotiate principals and create rules that suit both partners and respect their boundaries. Sometimes some people can’t seem to negotiate for a large variety of reasons. When you begin to negotiate, it’s automatically a kind of vulnerability. Perhaps thats why so many people never even really try it.

And thems feelings are sneaky bastards: you never can guess when they are going to show up. A crush isn’t such a bad thing to feel, but it’s super critical to channel all that energy in a really responsible way. It’s hard to see exactly how to do that, especially if the negotiation isn’t there yet.